and now you know

Its so interesting that in life you grow up wondering if you could really spend the rest of your life with one person. i remember back in middle school while dreaming up my fantasy wedding, how can you know you'll spend the rest of your life with just one person??? it seems so ridiculous. i looked at my parents and thought, wow they are never gonna make it. and a time or two they almost didn't. they got married b/c mama found out she was pregnant with me so she went ahead and got married. daddy was 21 at the time and mama was 28. 21 seems so freakin young to get married. esspecially for a man but daddy felt it was his duty and he had already asked her to marry him once but she declined. hell she was about to break up with him when that damned stick came out positive. its not my fault. my philosophy is, i don't have sex with a man i wouldn't want to have a child with. its really that simple with me. therefore i've only had sex with 2 men and only once with each.

anyway that's not my point, the point here is marriage and finding "the one". i have felt this way for about a year now and i've expressed this thought to a couple of people but i just know its true. i have found the one i'm going to marry. it may be years down the line but i just know i'm going to marry this boy but i've got to wait on him to realize he wants me that bad too. lol. he's a good guy, just too young for all that. i'm pushing 30 and it worries me to death i'm going to end up alone and childless. i want children more than anything but i have never wanted to START my family in my 30's. while i still have 3 years before i turn 30 the odds of me getting married or pregnant by then are rather slim b/c i still would want a long engagement.

i don't want to be a single mom living on the government and working harder than i have to just b/c i want a child. i really don't know anyone that would want that but they are out there. i know i would have my mom's support but i want to raise a family not just a child. whatever God has in store for me i just have to accept it and i know His plan is a pretty good one b/c that special moment i had waited for, for 25 years was well worth the wait so i know its just not my time.

but i do know i'm going to marry that certain boy one day and i'll be waiting :)

Sink or swim baby

ok so my last post was pretty much woe is me but it was a wonderful thing. i should have written an update (like it really matter b/c no one even reads this lol) the next day b/c something amazing happened. believe what you wish but i believe in God and His mysterious ways. I feel like His plan for me is like anyone elses and even though I feel like i'm never going to see any of my dreams come true I know that in due time i will be living the life i want. anyway, the night i posted my last blog i prayed and ever since my dad died my praying has become very infrequent. that tends to happen when something lifechanging happens like that. but anyway, i know God still loves me an was just waiting for me to come around again b/c i always do.

so we had a nice long chitchat about how i was feeling and such and lo and behold i had a very nice dream. a positive dream and have been doing so every since! the two loves of my life have entered my dreams but both with positive messages along with everything else. i know everything is going to be alright i just have to trust in the Lord and accept His path for me and be patient as hard as that is! He made me a very impatient person!

on an even better know i am about to start a new job! i quit the hellhole i was working at last week only to begin another job 2 days later. well i quit that job yesterday while i was still in training to begin another resturaunt job BUT the perk to this one is, this job is going to be fun! they encourage their employees to have personality and enjoy themselves while at work! i am very excited and hope it works out! i've applied for "real" jobs but haven't heard anything yet. doubt i will. they always want someone with experience and all i've got to offer is food service.  their loss.